Remember

you want to know more about me

whats going on with me

whats "wrong"

i dont know if you want to know

or even if you could bother to handle

my transparency

i often wonder

do you truly care for me

or are you just being nosy



well...stepping out on faith

believing that you truly

are trying to be there

focus on someone other than you



whats going on with me

whats wrong with me



i cant remember his face

and it pains me

so

i take cold steel

against warm flesh

wondering

hoping

praying

thoughts and feelings of pain

sights of blood rushing

from paper thin slices in skin

will cause the flood of memories i seek

it was his arms to which i fleed

when i had a scrape knee

bleed or no bleed



hoped



prayed



cried



hoped



prayed



cried



cause as the blood rushed

line by line

i still couldnt remember his face



i couldnt remember is face



i couldnt remember his face



i cant remember his face



now his memory and name replaced

by scars from paper thin lines

that bled

cause i was just trying to remember his face


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C.O.C

All that remain are the five scars...
five scars that came from a single blade
She winced in pain as
shiny steel parted chocolate flesh
resulting in a tear drop of blood
she dialed......no answer (again)
line number two
swift was the blade
brief was the pain
more tear drops of blood flowed from her veins
lines three, four, and five
results of many texts......yet no replies
line one....forget he ever touch me
line two.....forget I ever said no
line three.....forget I tried to make him happy and failed
line four.....forget no one knew or cared enough to stop it five.....forget I ever lived
she sits watching five lines cry
tears of blood
That her eyes dare not cry
and all that remains is one life, five lines marked by five scars

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Slow Motion

There are times

when I just want life

to move in slow motion

you know like the movies

where those kisses

last just  a few minutes longer

hugs linger

time practically stops

heartbeats slow

I want a moment

just to enjoy you

to enjoy this

I need a moment

to feel like I belong

to someone

to you

I need you

to hold on to me

to ensure me

I am someone

that

I am

wanted

need

loved

I need life

to start moving

in

slow motion

kisses on the forehead

hugs with no false intentions

just a life

moving in slow motion

where the love

last from minutes and moments

seem to last

for hours on end

I wish

life moved in slow motion

and then

I could spend my life

remembering

minutes

that felt like

hours

when i rested in your arms

just enjoying

being your little girl

All Cried Out

Heart races in her chest

as roughly calloused hands

caress innocent thighs

inside

she cries

and she cries

and she cries

praying her tightly squeezed legs

and intensely shallow breathing

will make him

just this once

turn away

...again...

prayers remain unanswered

eyes tightly shut

racing for a place of solace

searching...

...searching...

searching...

and she finds

the smell of hot cocoa

the blinding white

of sunshine reflecting off white ice

wind in her face

as she races 'round and 'round

the ice rink

try as she might

she can't stay there

the blinding lights dim

the comfort of the scent

and warmth of the hot cocoa

fades further and further away

instead...

she is greeted by the invading scent

of old cologne

and the bottom of a whiskey bottle

with no fight left

she lays

numb to the world

that surrounds her

numb to the forceful thrusting

between her thighs

numb to the sloppy wet kisses

forced upon her lips

numb to the possibility

of the nightly terror never ending

confusion and disgust

greet anger and frustration

as tears refusing to fall

night after night

grown man's calloused hands

caress innocent thighs

and inside she cries

...she cries...

...and she cries...

only on the inside

tears won't fall

tears can't fall

because

she's all cried out

Before I Let You Go...

We both said somethings
that I know we regret
perhaps we both did somethings
we'll never forget
but
before I let you go
please know that my love was real
and this hurt I feel
these tears I'm crying
are the evidence of your
impending goodbye
I wonder if just one more kiss
or one more hug
if you just feel how well
your hand fits in mine
you'll realize
it's not time to call it quits
or throw in the towel
maybe we could try just a little harder
fight
because a love like this
is well worth it
I just wanna regret this decision
sit
alone and broken hearted
wondering what I should have said
before I let you go...

9-11-10

Dear Dad,

Today if I could say anything
I'd beg you to never go away
I ask that you protect your little girls heart
from all the hell that comes my way
I wouldn't ask that you stop the tears,
but just that you be there to wipe them away
I'd pray that
on days like today
when it feels like my heart is being torn to shreds
that you wrap me in your arms
promising everything's gonna be okay
but really
the one thing I really want today
is a hug
a kiss on the forehead
and a simple "I love you"
to make the hurting go away

Happy Birthday Reginald L. Vaughn, I love you today, yesterday and forever more

How Do I Live Without You?

Days and nights
Filled with images of you and I
Intimate moments
Not yet experienced
But strongly desired
Thoughts of
Your lips gently pressed against mine
Hoping and wishing
That one day we could be
But the factor of the matter
You picked someone else over me
I've always been the good friend
Stayed in the back field
And now I'm starting to understand
Why so many people say
The good ones finish last
I don't think I need to say I love you
Cause you know its already there
Why waste any more time or tears or breath
When its obvious the one you want
Is someone else
I'll never stop caring or being there
It's in my nature
As much as I wish
I could turn and walk away
To put miles and oceans between us
I'll never see that day
You have a piece of my heart
So I guess I'm here to stay

As I Reflect...The Sound Of My Tears (NPM 7 of 30)

From time to time
I question my decision
wonder if the choice
I made was worth
the tears I've been crying
constantly reminded
by the melodic
drip
drip
drop
of my tears as they hit the page
smearing the ink of my words
I often wonder if
they see through
the jokes and smiles
the facade of happiness
to the resounding
dull aching of my heart
mimicking the
drip
drip
drop
of the tears that escape
my eyes
is the constant numbness
witness that a brash choice
has forever tainted
a once loving and peaceful heart
or is that constant
drip
drip
drop
a healing song
from my eyes to my ears
to remind my heart
we've made it through

As I Reflect...In The Morning (NPM 6 of 30)

Last nights fight
was like nothing before
words were said
that can never be taken back
doors slammed
dishes broken
now i'm wondering
will you be there
in the morning
tears were shed
egos destroyed
lies revealed
and motives questioned
now i'm wondering
will you be there
in the morning
i'm afraid to sleep
cause i don't know
what tomorrow holds
but
i got your call
and you promised
you'd be there
in the morning

As I Reflect....Every Little Bit Hurts (NPM 5 of 30)

You'd never know the sadness behind my smile
because I do all I can do
to make sure you're happy
but nothings good enough
given an inch
and you run a mile
I beg and plead
supply all your needs
and at the end of the day
nothings change
you still don't appreciate
my sacrifices, my tears
or my broken heart
and every little bit hurts
every lie
every late night without a call
every cold dinner
every tear that falls
every little bit hurts
and I can't take it anymore
one day you'll see
you had it all in me
and then you'll be crying
every little bit hurts
as you live through
life without me

As I Reflect...Insanity (NPM 4 of 30)

There are times when I think
I'm on the verge of going insane
cause I've tried this love thing
over and over and over again
but in the end
The results still the same
here I sit all alone
trying to put together the pieces of my heart
like trying to repair a jigsaw puzzle in the dark

Other times I further believe
I'm going insane
because the same person I love
as if they were blood
seem to break my heart
because as they promise to be there
words and actions don't seem to be adding up
and as much as I want to believe
things and people do change
I'm not sure it's a battle I'm up for

My insanity comforts me
for it allows me to believe
that opening my heart again won't end in heart break
to believe that the word "friend"
still holds meaning to more than just me
to think and believe that eventually
people will not just like me
but
love me just for ME
even in my moments of insanity

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

As I Reflect... And I (NPM 3 of 30)

I wanted to just walk away from this
from you and everything that hurt so bad
wanted to pretend that the fear I felt
was from the chance of having to face the outside world alone
but reality set in
And I realized that the fear was not outside
but contained within these four walls
a fear that ran so deep that a times
I felt like my heart would stop beating
because of how hard it was breathing
there were times when I thought
today would be the day that things go too far
the worst part is that I've planned for that day
arrangments are made, kids have a place to stay
and I a final resting place
yet, today wasn't that day
because there was an inner strength from within
that rose so far so fast
that when I looked in the mirror
I promised me
today would be the last of this kind of hurt and your kind of pain
no longer living with thoughts of love misconstrued
determined to unweave the webs of
mental, physical and emotional abuse
determined to be a survivor at all cost
and I will


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

As I Reflect...Knife In The Back (National Poetry Month Day 2 of 30)

Trust is hard to gain
and once betrayed even harder
for one to get back
one thing I'd always wondered
how's it feel to have a
knife in the back
then i wondered
what exactly was that
is it finding out your man cheated?
or could it be
your best friend telling your inner most secrets?
was it followed by the kind of pain
that momentarily takes your breath away
after years of wondering
i venture to say
there is no pain like being betrayed
and i confirm there is a moment
when you feel like the wind has been knocked out of you
moments of wanting to curl up
call that friend and say nothing
just cry
but you can't
because the bloods on their hands
so in order to save face
you suck it up
take a deep breathe
and slowly pull the knife from your back
allowing the poison of betrayal
to freely flow
knowing eventually all wounds heal

As I Reflect....Beautiful Surprise (National Poetry Month Day 1 of 30)

I loved you deeper than ever before
I loved you harder than I've ever loved
I wanted more for you than I can put into words
unfortunately
My love was too deep, too hard
and even I tried
I could never truly explain it
our demise was a beautiful surprise
our falling out of love with one another
sent me on a downward
of
falling in love with me
realized no matter how much I changed
if it wasn't for me
it's for nothing at all
my heart became more open to me
my eyes more clearly began to see
My emotional being was at heightened sensitivity
all because love left me
or so I thought
my beautiful surprise
was found within
the heart and soul of this woman

As I Reflect....National Poetry Month

What's good bloggers,

As I was sitting down to start some research for my 30 days 100 pages script adventure I also realized that the month of April is National Poetry Month, so I've decided to also attempt 30 poems in 30 days. My objective is to write pieces that have substance and truly reflect how and what I'm feeling. I think that this month will be one of growth for me and definitely that of new beginnings so sit back and enjoy this ride with me. Until next time....love, peace, & poetry!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

As I Reflect....My April Adventure

So, I haven't written a blog in a good little while. I actually haven't written much of anything. However, I'm back to my writing (again) and I've set out to conquer a new goal. My April adventure is the result of an e-mail I got. www.scriptfrenzy.org issues a challenge to write a 100 page script in 30 days. Now for some of the writers out there this is kinda of a no brain, no hard work type of task. However, for me, it is going to require some real work simply because I am kind of anal when it comes to my writing, so I'm gonna have to take a few days to do a little research. My other dilemma is going to be whether I want to take my novel and turn it into a script or if I want to start from scratch. So...thanks to my homegirl, Ebony (follow her www.ebonyjanice.blogspot.com ) you all will get to follow me (and her too) on this 30 day, 100 page, script writing journey.

I'm out for now...
Love Peace and Poetry...

Life, Love, & Forgiveness

What's good? So we are officially 9 days into the New Year. This is my first reflection and I think "Life, Love, & Forgiveness" is a very befitting title. So here we go....

First and foremost, anyone who really knows me know that there are two serious character flaws that I possess (and that I'm working on). Number one, I have somewhat of a temper, I can go from zero to ten, in .5 seconds flat and once I'm there I am nothing nice. Secondly, I can hold a hellva grudge. However, in recent months I have started a more serious and rigorous learning process from these two flaws in particular.

I truly believe that in order to receive forgiveness in any realm from any person(s) then forgiveness is a must. Holding grudges does not affect the people you are holding them against. A long time ago (and several times since) I've had people tell me and heard people say that forgiveness is not for the other person it is for you. And if you want to take it a step farther and step into the religious sector, there is no way that God can or will forgive us, lest we first forgive others, and more over we must remember to forgive ourselves for whatever.

Now, for me, the most difficult area in life to deal with forgiveness is love. I've truly had my share of bad relationships, jerks for ex's and so on and so fourth, and I can be honest and say that there were times when I was not the best girlfriend/woman. I now realize that some of the things that were done (and some of the things that I did) branched from un-forgiveness of past relationships, regret, fear, and even jealousy. The worst thing that any man or woman can do is to make their "next" suffer for the mistakes of the "ex". That is a process that is much easier said then done, but, it has to be done if one is to truly be happy in their life and love.

So....as I bring this reflection to a close, I must say...live and learn...live and love...live and forgive

until next time....